Category Archives: A Dose of Inspiration

A Dose of Inspiration, A Writer's Musings, Back to School

What do you want to be when you grow up?

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What do I want to be when I grow up?

Ever ask yourself that question?

Are you still asking that question?

I am.

40ish years in, and I still have no clue what it is I’m meant to be doing when I grow up.

I’ve tried my hand at a lot of things…woodworking, yoga instruction, accounting, customer service, writing. I took courses in botany, html, photography, carpentry, English, editing, psychology, anatomy. All these varied subjects have become spokes in the wheel of my life, and I enjoyed many of them, but somewhere in the hub of that wheel is a girl still trying to get her shit together.

I envied my peers in high school who knew what they wanted to be when they grew up…a teacher, doctor, veterinarian, nurse. They had a course and a compass. Everything they did aligned with the vision they saw for themselves.

I, on the other hand, had an amorphous idea that I wanted to create something, and I wanted to be successful at it, but other than that, I had no idea what I wanted to do.

Originally, I wanted to be an actress, but I decided I was too self-conscious and not nearly good-looking enough for that job.

Then I decided I would become an author, but after decades of trying different things…writing articles for newspapers, magazines, ezines, and blogs, and penning self-help books and novels…I decided I sucked at writing and needed to focus on something else.

I thought maybe I could be a photographer, but my pictures were just mediocre. I couldn’t compete with the truly talented people out there taking incredible photographs.

I’ve always been a life-long learner, taking college or university courses part-time in my efforts to discover myself, but this past September, I decided to go back to college full-time and channel my energy into the pursuit of a career in public relations.

After a full year and 12 courses under my belt, with a combined grade average of 95, I panicked. What if I couldn’t pull off a second year? What if the success of the first year was a fluke?

I began to question whether I should return to finish the diploma. Was this really what I wanted? In truth, who knows. I love a lot about PR, but was this really what I wanted to be when I grew up? Maybe. But what if it wasn’t? What if I got out into the PR world and didn’t like it? What if I’d made a terrible mistake? What if I failed?

I almost didn’t sign back up to finish my studies. The fear of failure stopped me dead in my tracks. And that’s when I took a long, hard look at myself. My lack of confidence and fear of failure had stopped me in almost every endeavour I’d chosen to pursue. The irony…I’d succeeded in everything I’d set my mind to, sometimes phenomenally. So, what on earth was going on? Where was this coming from? And how the hell could I stop it?

That’s when I realized, I couldn’t. I couldn’t stop it. At least not in a cold-turkey been-there-done-that-bought-the-t-shirt don’t-need-to-worry-about-it-again kinda way. I also recognized, for me, it didn’t matter where or when I developed this crippling self-esteem issue. Knowing how it came about in my childhood wasn’t going to help me move forward. What I needed to do was recognize when I was self-sabotaging myself now and gently redirect my focus to my successes and stop focusing on my failures (perceived failures) and all the reasons why I was convinced I sucked.

Now, to know me, to talk to me, to hang out with me, you’d have no idea I lacked confidence. I seem to carry it in spades. After all, I willingly went back to school. I changed gears mid-life stream and swam in another direction. For many, throwing caution to the wind and trying something new or reinventing one’s self is terrifying, and only the foolhardy will attempt it.

But trying something new has never scared me. In fact, I live for variety, and curiosity has always pulled me in a million directions. I’m compelled to follow the path of passionate exploration. But once I’m on that path? Once I start succeeding? Doubt and uncertainty creep in, and I pull back the reins. Or worse, I hit a snag and it seems to confirm all my lousy suspicions, and I run away screaming, grabbing the life preserver and jumping overboard before the whole thing goes to hell.

In saying all that, I have managed quiet moments of victory over my demons. After all, I did sign up to finish my diploma. I have completed four books and am working on my fifth. And my confidence in general has definitely improved over the years. But you’d think I’d be further ahead than I am at this point in my life—that all the self-awareness and growth that comes with getting older would have kicked this useless limiting belief out on its ass by now.

Unfortunately, overcoming fear and negative thinking is a long, convoluted process. It involves winning little victories, getting knocked a couple steps back, then rallying and doing it all over again. I may not have all the answers yet, but I’m in a better position now than I was twenty years ago. Wisdom truly does come as you get older. But I have much more to learn.

If you’d like to be part of my tribe, stop by and sign up for my newsletter: http://eepurl.com/dEGv0r You won’t get spammed, I promise. And join me on Facebook or Instagram. I’ll make sure to pass along relevant insights as I come across them. Until then, know you’re not alone in your journey. We’re all in this life-experience together. I’ve got your back.

So, do you know what you want to be when you grow up? Have you reached your definition of ultimate success? If not, what’s holding you back?

In gratitude,

Marissa xo

 

A Dose of Inspiration, A Writer's Musings

Honour Your Truth

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“When the whole world is silent, even one voice becomes powerful.”

— Malala Yousafzai

If we don’t speak up, who will hear us? We can apply this concept globally by pointing out injustice or inequality, for example, and/or we can make this personal and contemplate all the ways in which we remain silent in our own lives.

Warning: here comes a Marissa catch phrase… ‘Life is about compromise, but we were never meant to compromise ourselves.’ (You’ll hear that one a lot.) We all have boundaries—lines we don’t want others to cross, parameters in which we feel comfortable operating within, i.e., our comfort zones. When people cross those boundaries, negative things happen. We can get hurt—physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. We can suffer from regret, guilt, doubt, anger and self-recrimination.

When people cross our boundaries, how many of us speak up? When people impose their judgements and opinions on us, or belittle us and undermine our self-worth and confidence, how many of us speak up? Family members, peers, partners, co-workers, supervisors… when people we respect and trust do this, how many of us let it pass, or speak out only in our mind—imagining all the things we wish we could say?

Speaking our truth is never easy. We run the risk of alienation and rejection—something we as social creatures avoid at all costs. But what if the cost is our own happiness and self-worth? When do we draw the line? When do we speak up for ourselves? When do we say enough is enough?

Always.

No one likes confrontation and very few people handle criticism well, but if we’ve been wronged or hurt, we need to express it. No one is above the truth. Not even ourselves. Denying the injury or pretending we are okay is a serious roadblock to healing. We need to be honest with ourselves. That stomach lurch when we consider confronting an issue is what typically stops us from going further and we gloss the matter over or sweep it under the rug. This often results in frustration or resentment.

Communication is key in a healthy relationship. If we can’t speak about what’s on our mind, or bring up questions or concerns, or point out hurt or wrongdoing then we need to examine the relationship. In my post Relationships and Monkeys, I talk to the idea of getting rid of negative relationships in our lives. But before we get to that point, we should always try to have open and honest communication with the people in our lives. It’s not always easy—for either party— but it’s necessary.

I’ve been together with my husband for 27 years. That doesn’t happen without a solid foundation of communication (plus he’s cute and funny, so that doesn’t hurt either.) We’ve built a relationship on trust and mutual respect. My concerns are not more important than his and vice versa. We listen to each other and then we reflect: How can we do this better? How can we make this work for both of us? It’s a partnership. A team effort. When one person isn’t happy, it effects the entire relationship. We also have to be humble enough to admit when we’re wrong and apologize for any transgressions. Then we have to step up and correct our behaviour. This is all about compromise. But, compromising and being compromised are two very different things.

There’s no mutual respect and trust when someone compromises our boundaries. It’s controlling at worst, and insensitive at best. Stand up for yourself. Speak up for yourself. Honour your truth.

In gratitude,

Marissa xo

A Dose of Inspiration

Never let your fire burn out

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“Keep a little fire burning, however small, however hidden.” — Cormac McCarthy, Author

I had a conversation with a wonderful classmate of mine the other day. He took an incredible risk by following his dream. He moved his family to a new country, turned down an exceptional opportunity within the organization he worked for and went back to school full-time. Most people he talked to were in awe of his decision, but he expected that. What surprised him was how many people mentioned that they too had a dream, but they weren’t ‘brave’ enough to take the chance. They couldn’t imagine doing what he had done. They kept their dreams on lockdown, tamped and filed away, labelled as fancy and fantasy.

I didn’t relocate my family, but when I made the decision to go back to school, people called me brave too. I had a hard time reconciling the word brave with my decision. I was just acting—doing. Nothing brave about that. But in a world where so many people extinguish their own fires out of fear, going against the grain or changing our entire worlds is brave and awe inspiring.

There’s an expression: “What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail?” What we know is comfortable—it’s safe. Taking a leap on nothing more than a dream is frightening. There’s no guaranteed outcome. We could fail… miserably. Not many of us are willing to take that risk. Sometimes it’s much easier to stay the course. After all, if things aren’t terrible, why rock the boat?

Deep inside, smoldering within each of us, is a small fire. In yoga, we call it our third chakra—Manipura. Hanging out near our solar plexus, this little bundle of spit and vinegar guides our will and motivation. It drives our passion. It’s the spark, the fire that lights us up and gets us going. We can’t let that flame blow out. We can’t let our dreams die.

Most of us have heard about SMART goals. One of the keys to a good or SMART goal is making sure it’s attainable. There are short-term and long-term goals, but all goals involve making meaningful movement forward by enacting small tactics or actions toward their achievement. Dreams, on the other hand seem like far-fetched unattainable, insurmountable wishful thinking. But what if we approached dreams like goals… deliberately making small changes, small decisions, small movements in the desired direction. Passion keeps the fire burning. Even if it’s just a gentle smolder, let your passion propel you in the direction you want to go.

Dreams can come true. One small step at a time. Find ways to move in the direction of what will make you happy. Never let your fire burn out.

In gratitude,

Marissa xo

A Dose of Inspiration, A Writer's Musings

Relationships and Monkeys

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Relationships can be a blessing and a curse. Everything for a reason or a season comes springing to mind. This year has been an interesting journey for me. I’ve experienced many periods and areas of growth. I went back to school, bringing with it a new set of friendships. I learned some hard lessons, letting relationships fade to the background, and I made an effort to move away from negativity and drama and resettle back into a place of peace and serenity. But in order to get there, I had to make some tough decisions.

We all have a limited amount of energy, think money in the bank. Where we choose to spend it should be ‘our choice,’ but sometimes we get so caught up in other people’s circuses that we start looking after their monkeys without even realizing it. When we spend our energy on negative people, we get depleted. We run on fumes. It’s exhausting looking after everyone else’s needs and letting our own take a backseat. The bank account drops into the red pretty easily. What are we doing to pull it back inline, to receive a return on our investment?

If the relationship depletes us, then it’s a detrimental use of our energy. If the relationship lifts us up, makes us feel loved and cherished, then it’s a good investment. Relationships can bring a lot of joy and incredible happiness, but the ones that drag us into drama, heartache or struggle need to be exorcised. And I do mean exorcised. We need to lift up and out our sense of obligation, fear and/or guilt. No one needs that shit. We need to let it go.

Relationships are not obligatory—not even within our own blood family. All relationships must be a mutually beneficial, two-way, give-and-take endeavour. Each person should feel valued and appreciated. We should never stay in a negative relationship out of feelings of guilt, nor should we be holding onto toxic relationships merely out of fear of loneliness. My experience has taught me that once you get rid of negativity, life has a great way of bringing in positive experiences to fill the void—things we genuinely want and need in our lives. But we have to open up space to receive it.

Loneliness frightens a lot of people into accepting negativity. We’re so afraid of being on our own, alone with our own thoughts that we hold onto relationships that have long outlived their value. Letting go and moving on can be a scary leap. It requires faith that things will work out for the better. Think about decisions you’ve made that were frightening at the time, moments that felt overwhelming, where the outcome was uncertain. If you look back on those moments, did everything work out? Most do. And even if they didn’t seem to at the time, can you see how they led to growth, or pushed you in a new direction, or offered a new perspective? Can you see how those results can be viewed as positive as well? They may not have taken the path you had hoped for, but in the end, something positive still resulted from them—even if it’s only proof that you can overcome hardships and adversity.

The point is, we don’t have the ability of hindsight when we’re knee-deep in a situation. It takes time and distance to gain a little perspective. But if you take the leap and remove negative relationships and negative people from your life, you’ll find you have more energy, a greater sense of self and what makes you happy, and you’ll move closer to finding people who align with your beliefs and values. A positive relationship pays dividends and you’ll be richer for it.

Let ‘em keep their monkeys.

In gratitude,

Marissa xo

A Dose of Inspiration, A Writer's Musings

How Much Botox Do I Use?

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Here’s another Dose of Inspiration. I created a YouTube video, but if you’d like to skip the performance and just read the script, feel free to scroll down below. 🙂

One of the first values I learned when I embarked on a path of self-discovery was that when you stop judging people, their judgements will no longer affect you. In other words, people will still have a great many opinions about you, but you will no longer care. And for the most part, this is absolutely true.

People come in a million shapes, sizes, and colours. When I see someone walk down the street, I don’t judge them based on their clothing choice or hair style. I don’t judge someone by the car they drive or the house they keep. I observe, yes. There is a difference. If I see a homeless person on the street, I do not judge their past, or their personality, or their soul. I see they are in need of help, and offer assistance. If I see a young mother pushing her baby in a stroller, I don’t make assumptions about who she is by the type of stroller she bought or the clothes she wears, what I will do is smile at my own memories of being a young mom, and hope the young woman is able to get help at home and some sleep.

What I will ‘judge’ someone on, is their actions. And I use the term ‘judge’ here with a qualification: to judge is to form an opinion about something after careful consideration, or to regard something as either good or bad. (Webster Dictionary) Note in this definition there is no mention of emotion or slander or maliciousness. It is simply an opinion or an organization of something into categories. But society’s use and definition of judgement focuses on the negative. Judgements can be cruel, and the way they are thrown around, for example on the internet, between peer groups, or coworkers, can be extremely destructive and hurtful.

Therefore, I prefer the concept of contemplating a person’s actions and making a decision based on how it affects me. In other words, I will not tear a strip off you, or bash you as a human being to my friends. I may consult my friends and seek advice as to how I should cope with and/or respond to something a person does­­—again, if it is affecting me. What they wear is not affecting me, but if they are doing something that hurts me, or threatens my boundaries or personal code of ethics, I will have an opinion on it, and I will make a decision.

Decisions will result in a category placement. And again, categories are not based on derogatory terms, personal slights, or reactive emotions, but based on how that person affects me. Categories run the gamut from, ‘I’d really like to get to know this person.’ to ‘This is someone I do not want in my life.’

I don’t harangue the point, I make a decision and move on.

Labels hurt. Slut, bitch, stupid, fat, cultural or gender slurs… all labels carry an image—a stereotype or perception—and they affect how we interact with the person. If someone has assigned a label in their mind, the person being judged doesn’t get a chance to change that perception, or offer a different viewpoint. ‘Innocent until proven guilty’ as a phrase comes to mind, and it has no weight in that scenario.

I’m not here to examine why people judge, or why they label. The key is realizing when it’s happening and making a conscious effort to stop.

There are plenty of labels out there about me. Lots of people have lots of opinions and judgments. I’ve heard some and the universe knows there are plenty more. Just this week I learned that people assume I use Botox and that my hair isn’t real—that I use extensions. I’ve known forever that people don’t actually think I’m blonde. And here’s the thing. I don’t judge people who do any of that. In fact, if I ever win the lottery, the first thing to go will be those pesky marionette lines and maybe a little tweak of the nose! And when I do start going grey, which by the grace of good genes has not happened yet, I can assure you I will colour my hair. And if it was short, I’d have no problem using extensions to mix things up once and while. The issue is not whether people do these things… the issue is that people feel the need to make a judgement call about that person for doing it!

People in glass houses should never throw stones. We are so much better than this. We are highly evolved beings on an incredible adventure for a very short period of time. Getting pulled back down in the primordial muck and flinging dirt at one another is an incredible waste of our precious resources and time. And while I’d love to see a society where bullying, labels, and judgements become a thing of the past, in the meantime, we can all be part of the solution. Refuse to get drawn into the mud pit of judgment. Instead, choose to walk around it and see the world through eyes of acceptance and humility.

 In gratitude,

Marissa xo